Chapter THREE
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you
need it. Besides, there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any
place, any time.
- Duct Tape – Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army
Knife in stickum and plastic. It is safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more in an easy to carry package. Sure, there’s prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from
Lemans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get
you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
- Vice Grips – Equally adept as a wrench, hammer,
pliers, bailing wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it til-it-falls-off
tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed
expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
- Spray Lubricants – A considerably cheaper alternative
to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated
soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand.
Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that
flies out of the nozzle if you look at the can cross-eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of
all time).
- Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids – If you spend all your
time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the petal valve when you
knocked both off the air cleaner, it’s because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume
pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts
containers afterward (some, of course, chuck the butter-coloured goo altogether or use it
to repack wheel bearings). Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren’t connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle
Pins.
- Big Rock at the Side of the Road – Block up a tire.
Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types in the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of
granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem
is not synonymous with the user’s maiming.
- Plastic Zip Ties – After 20 years of lashing down
stray hoses and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur
quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely
resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways; when buying a used car,
subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.
- Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver – Let’s
admit it, there’s nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking splitting
or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver particularly when wielded with gusto and
big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they
can only be removed by driving a stage in one side and out the other. If you break the
screwdriver – and you will just like Dad and the shop teacher said – who cares
if it has a lifetime guarantee.
- Bailing Wire – Commonly known as MG muffler brackets,
baling wire holds anything that’s too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it’s
not recommended for concours contenders since it works so well you’ll never need to
replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favourite in some
circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph and flathead Ford set.
- Bonking Stick – This monstrous tuning fork with
devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you
separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you’re lucky. Other than medieval combat,
its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn’t know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust
pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
in a pinch of course, but does a lousy job of it.)
- A Quarter and a Phone Booth – See tool #1 above.
The preceding 10 was blatantly plagiarized from the Mini Car Club of NSW
newsletter, with no permission whatsoever.
