Chapter Seven
Vancouver Driving Rules
- A right-lane construction closure is
just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the
right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze
their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
- Turn signals will give away your next
move. A real Vancouver driver never uses them. Use of them in Richmond may
be illegal.
- Under no circumstances should you leave
a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will
be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single
lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
- The faster you drive through a red
light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
- Never get in the way of an older car
that needs extensive bodywork.
- Braking is to be done as hard and late
as possible to ensure that our ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot
massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance
to stretch your legs.
- Construction signs warn you about road
closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
- Electronic traffic warning signs are
not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make
Vancouver look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the police radar
car parked
on the median.
- Never pass on the left when you can
pass on the right.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures,
given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush
hour
- Just because you're in the left lane
and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Vancouver
driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in
your spot.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when
you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds
colour to the landscape and gives Highway crews something to clean up.
- It is assumed that police cars passing
at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes
on your way to work, or the beach.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Vancouver is
the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes.
- It is traditional in Vancouver to honk
your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
- Seeking eye contact with another driver
revokes your right of way, except in Surrey where it acts as an invitation
to duel or play chicken.
- Never take a green light at face value.
Always look right and left before proceeding. In Vancouver it is common to
stop and then decide which direction to turn.
- Remember that the goal of every
Vancouver driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
- Real Vancouver female drivers can put
on pantyhose, drink coffee, and balance the chequebook at 130 KM per hour
during a rainstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- Real Vancouver male drivers can remove
pantyhose and a bra at 130 KM per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during
daylight hours (who would want to at night?).
- Heavy rain is no reason to change any
of the previously listed rules. It is just a way of ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
- Snow means that Vancouver SUV drivers
go find steep hills to go down, because 4WDs always have traction right?
Everyone else walks out in their Sorels to watch the fun.
